Facing Forward : A Life Reclaimed - Reba D + GIVEAWAY

I will be giving this book to someone who really needs it.  See the bottom of this post for details.

Summary:  Like so many women, I wanted a home, children, a loving husband, and a pet.  When life didn't work out the way I'd hoped by the time I was 30, I started to panic.  I was actively looking for love when I met a man who would ultimately change my life and the lives of those closest to me.

This story has a happy ending.  Unfortunately, not all victims of domestic violence are so fortunate.  There are steps you can take to free yourself or help free someone you know.  Through my story, you'll find out how.  You will walk away with a better understanding of how someone can lose everything to an abuser -- and when she is ready, reclaim her life.

What would ever make a woman settle for someone she knew in her heart wasn't right?  Worse, what would make her stay in an abusive marriage or relationship once she realized the truth?  A lot of things, among them, shame and fear.  Shame of leaving, shame of failure, fear of his retaliation, fear of personal marital details becoming public in a divorce proceeding -- and fear of suffering socially or financially by a divorce.  For some, there's the fear of being alone.  If you're unable to understand this, be thankful.  But also be careful.  Prior to my marriage to the pastor, I would never have tolerated anyone treating me this way.  (Summary from book - Image from www.mondialbooks.com  - Book given free for review)

My Review:  Facing Forward is a heartbreaking account of one woman's struggle to endure nearly two years of verbal and physical abuse at the hands of her husband. I warn you, this story is both compelling and disturbing. Once I picked it up, I could think of little else. I read it all in a day because I could not go to sleep without seeing the author safely out of her marriage.

Reba’s husband Philip is a seemingly dedicated Lutheran pastor, affectionate and attentive when he has an audience, but frightfully domineering and vindictive behind closed doors. Almost immediately after the wedding (and to be perfectly honest, even before it), Philip begins to insult Reba and berate her for the smallest of perceived offenses. To make matters worse, Philip's parents – who are, quite possibly, the most offensive, psychotic, and dysfunctional parents I have ever heard, seen, or read about – visit frequently and only uphold their son’s treatment of his wife. At first, Reba tries to stand up for herself, but when the verbal abuse escalates to the occasional physical confrontation, she discovers it is far easier to walk on eggshells and give in to her husband’s demands in order to keep the peace.

In Facing Forward, Reba acknowledges the red flags she missed, and those she simply ignored or rationalized away. From a outsider's perspective, it would be easy to see the same warning signs and say, "She's such an idiot. She should have seen it coming” or “There is no way I would have put up with that behavior. I would have left right away." However, the reality of abuse is always more complicated than it seems. Reba states "living in an abusive relationship can turn the most confident, secure, independent person into someone she never would have previously believed possible." Nowhere is this more evident than in Reba's own brief marriage as she transforms from an assertive, passionate woman to a fearful, desensitized submissive. Although Reba's situation deteriorated more quickly than most, such abuse is not uncommon. Her husband exhibited behavior typical of an abusive partner and it wasn’t long before she showed all the signs of being abused. It was only through her own determination and the loving support of family and friends that Reba was finally able to leave her husband and regain her sense of self-worth.

If I've learned anything from James Frey, Milli Vanilli, and the allegations currently swirling around Greg Mortenson, it is that sometimes people embellish the truth, pay lip service, or outright lie to make themselves look better. While it is true that there are always two people in a marriage and two sides to every story, I felt that Reba gave an honest portrayal of her marital woes. She was upfront about her own, relatively microscopic, failings in the marriage and accepted the blame for times when she erred, regardless of her husband's inexcusable behavior.

Facing Foward is a riveting narrative, but the author did not write it to entertain. She shared her story in the hope that it could serve as a wake-up call for someone currently living in an abusive relationship or lend some perspective to those trying to support a love one who is being abused. I recommend this book to everyone. Read it and you might recognize the signs. Read it and you might find the strength to leave.

My Rating: 4.25 Stars

For the sensitive reader: There were a handful of times in this book when the couple's sex life came into play. While I understand its relevance to their relationship and this book, I would have been okay with a little less detail. The pastor is also quite fond of profanity-laced tirades.

Sum it up: A compelling memoir of abuse and a life reclaimed.

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A Note from Reba:

For too long, domestic violence was something no one talked about in polite circles. But that didn't mean it didn't exist. Today, few people haven't been touched by it personally or known someone who has.  Today, we know longer accept it the way things have to be. We know we have choices, options and that help is available. As we continue to raise our social consciousness, we learn that it's only by facing this openly together that we can bring about the awareness that ultimately leads to change. If you know someone in need of help anywhere in the US, download a free state-by-state resource guide at http://www.facingforward-alifereclaimed.com/ 

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As of right now, this book has been claimed. 

You can buy your own copy of Facing Forward here or the Kindle edition (for $4.99) here.  

GIVEAWAY:  Because I feel that more people could benefit from this book, I will ship my copy to the first person* who contacts me at mindyoja AT hotmail DOT com.  Please only write if you are currently involved in or know someone who is involved in an abusive relationship.  Read it and, when you're through, pass it on.


*US residents only.  I can't afford to ship internationally.

Dinner for Busy Moms : Easy Strategies for Getting Your Family to the Table - Jeanne Muchnick

Summary: It's 6 p.m., there's nothing in the fridge, and you have no idea what you're serving for dinner...let alone how you're going to get Kid Number One to piano lessons and pick up Kid Number Two from soccer.

Study after study proves time spent gathered at the kitchen table is a significant way to strengthen family bonds. Yet, in our time-crunched world, how do we fit the "goal" of providing our families with sit-down meals, with out crazy, busy reality? This is not a cookbook but a strategy guide filled with expert advice from mom's just like you. And yes, take-out counts.

Learn how to:

• Turn off the TV and get back to the table (without a revolt)
• "Shop" your pantry
• Buy smarter--and save money
• Nourish kids of all ages
• "Feed" your soul (aka eat in peace)
• Empower yourself with foolproof recipes
• Answer the question "What's for dinner?"

 (Summary from book - Image from cbsd.com - Book given free for review)

My Review: I am not a professional mother. Oh sure, I have dreams of turning pro and having my kids shower me with accolades, but as it stands I am mostly intermediate-level with days where I sink to rank amateur. Thanks to my mother, I grew up with a strong tradition of family dinners and an understanding of how to plan meals for a large family. While the children didn’t always cook, we were required to help with set up and clean up. I have tried to continue this tradition with my children, however as they get older, something strange has started to happen. Homework. Dance class. School meetings. How do they make that much LAUNDRY? Suddenly there is so much to be done in a single day that sometimes macaroni and cheese is the best I can do.

I picked up Dinner for Busy Moms hoping to find ways to make things flow more smoothly, to get my family to the table more often, and to feed them something that approximates nutritious food. This book has a great message and offers an avalanche of tips for making dinner easier that someone who is unfamiliar with meal planning and the family dinner would find very useful. Its main focus? Get your kids to the table (in whatever way you can). Eat. Talk. Spend time together. The rest is icing.

While I appreciate and applaud the objective of Dinner for Busy Moms, its delivery felt a bit like my day -- chaotic. Each chapter is so packed with tips, tricks, and plugs for so-and-so’s cooking blog/nutrition website/meal-planning business that it felt disorganized and burdened with what amounted to advertisements, regardless of their relevance. I was forced to choose whether to read the main text, skipping all the side articles, gadget ads, and “mom tips,” and then go back to them when I finished the chapter, or to stop on each page and read the various sections while trying to hold on to the flow of the book. It seemed that no matter which method I chose, I ended up feeling disoriented. Also, because this book caters to all kinds of mothers -- with different lifestyles, parenting philosophies, and cooking abilities -- many of the tips will conflict with each other. For example, the author suggests to buy prepared foods to speed dinner on its way to the table, but on another page we are encouraged to shop on the outside aisles of the supermarket for healthier whole foods.

As mom’s we tend to think that we need to have it all and be it all. Whether that means being the stay-at-home-super-mom, or the working-wonder-mom, we often feel enormous amounts of guilt if our homes don’t mimic Leave It To Beaver come dinner time. Overall, I wish this book contained more quick and healthy recipes, but I felt it held a wonderful message on the importance of family dinners and would be a useful resource for a person who is new to the concept of meal planning and family dinners.

My Rating: 3.25 Stars

Sum it up: A helpful tool for the amateur meal planner and a motivational reminder of the importance of family dinner.

101 Things Husbands Do to Annoy Their Wives - Ray Comfort

Summary:  This book gives rational explanations to one of life's great mysteries: why men do the (annoying) things they do.  It helps both spouses understand, among other things, why men:

• Dream while driving
• Forget  people's names
• Don't listen when wives speak
• Rattle keys
• Dominate the remote control

As this publication shows, we all do dumb things at times--some more than others.  Two of the keys to a happy marriage are understanding and forgiveness.  Not only will discovering our common idiosyncrasies help you feel better about your marriage, the special chapter "How to Make Your Marriage Blossom" will help you truly bring your relationship to life.  (Summary from back of the book and image from  http://images.amazon.com/)

My Review:  This is a one sitting read. While only a third of his 'annoyances' applied to my marriage, the ones that did got a chuckle out of me.  (And boy am I glad only a third apply--some of the others would make me batty!)  One of my favorites was "He won't turn on the windshield wipers until he can't see a thing in front of him." It's one of those tiny annoyances that I hardly notice, but after reading the book realized it does bother me! Another favorite was " He leaves the plastic ties off the bread," His explanation is so funny. While this is all in jest, it's a fun experiment in couple relationships. I'd recommend this book to all couples who have made it to and past the 7 year itch.

There is a section at the back of the book where the author gives ways to help your relationship. I mention this because it has a religious message. While I enjoyed the message, I realize not all will. 

Rating: 3.75 stars

Sum it up:  A good laugh for any couple that can laugh at their relationship and what drives them batty.

9 Books to Strengthen Your Marriage

If there is one thing that I have learned in my nearly 10 years of marriage it is that marriage is not a cake-walk. Marriage requires commitment, patience, effective communication, and the almost constant repetition of the phrase "it's not wrong, it's just different".

Because so many people struggle after jumping into marriage, with both feet and all of their heart, here are some of the books that the reviewers of Reading for Sanity have found helpful in strengthening, and in some cases, saving our marriages.

For those people who are married and striving to stay that way:

Couples : How to Confront Problems and Maintain Loving Relationships by Carlfred Broderick - This book was particularly helpful in explaining the importance of knowing and understanding your partners marital "script" (ie. What your spouse thinks marriage should be like, based on what he/she saw in the home).  Once you understand where their expectations are coming from, it is much easier to talk about conflicting "scripts".

The 5 Love Languages : The Secret to Love That Lasts by Gary Chapman - Does your partner feel love through quality time spent, conversation, a well-thought gift, kind words of encouragement, or through physical touch?  If you don't know, perhaps you should find out how to speak their love language!  The 5 Love Languages is a wonderful book that teaches you to love your partner in a way that THEY will understand.

Mars & Venus: In the Bedroom : A Guide to Lasting Romance and Passion by John Gray - While this book has some serious "cheese" in it, it is helpful in understanding the physical nature of the male sex drive (translation: why it is so dang important), the emotional nature of the female sex drive, and how to reconcile the differences between the two.

The Divorce Remedy : The Proven 7-Step Program for Saving Your Marriage - This book is designed for anyone who feels that they are having to save their marriage on their own. It gives techniques and suggestions that can be applied by one person (which, I imagine, is extremely helpful if your partner isn't speaking to you, let alone reading books with you).

Between Husband and Wife: Gospel Perspectives on Marital Intimacy by Stephen E. Lamb and Douglas E. Brinley - This book was written for LDS couples, particularly because many young LDS couples go into marriage with little to no knowledge of what goes on in a sexual relationship. It focuses on how to meet each others needs both emotionally and physically.

And They Were Not Ashamed: Strengthening Marriage Through Sexual Fulfillment by Laura Brotherson - This book is another written for LDS couples but I do believe any marriage could benefit from the advice--as with any book, pick and choose the advice that works for you. It has a strong focus on fidelity and making sure both partners understand how the sexual relationship is important for both a man and woman and how to get there.

Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus by John Gray - This is a fairly basic book about understanding the differences between men and women and focuses on their basic emotional needs, daily functioning style, and communication.

You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation by Deborah Tannen -  This book might be more helpful for the couple in trouble, specifically with their communication or lack thereof. It gets down to the nitty-gritty of how certain phrases or words affect men and women differently and can obstruct communication between the sexes.



The Portable Romantic : An Indispensable Pocket Guide to Creating Loving Relationships by Gregory J.P. Godek - This easy-to-read book offers 501 ideas to enhance the romance in your marriage.  Definitely a book to leave sitting open around the house!

and as an added bonus..

For those people who are single and looking:

The Real Prince Charming: Discovering God's Plan for a Lifetime of Fulfilling Romance by Michelle Raftery - This book emphasizes the importance of looking at long-lasting, eternal qualities, over those set by the world or the current entertainment industry.  Read the RFS review.

Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married by Gary Chapman - This book gives a broad overview of some of the conflicts that occur in most marriages after the honeymoon period is over. It is designed to encourage dating couples to realistically discuss important topics before getting married.  Read the RFS review.

______________________

Have you read a book that saved

or strengthened your marriage?

Please share!

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Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married - Gary Chapman

Summary: Most people spend far more time in preparation for their vocation than they do in preparation for marriage.

No wonder the divorce rate hovers around fifty percent.

Gary Chapman, the #1 New York Times bestselling author of The 5 Love Languages and marriage counselor, with more than 35 years of counseling couples, believes that divorce is the lack of preparation for marriage and the failure to learn the skills of working together as intimate teammates. This practical book is packed with wisdom and tips to develop a loving, supportive, and mutually beneficial marriage. It's the type of information Gary himself wished he had before he got married.

Dating or engaged couples will enjoy the "Talking It Over" section, extensive resources, a thought provoking appendix, plus a revealing learning exercise! By understanding and balancing the five key aspects of life, dating couples can experience a healthy dating relationship. (Summary from book - Image from - Book given free to review)

My Review:  Despite what The Beatles may say, love is NOT all you need to make a marriage work and a successful marriage requires commitment, compromise, and a boat load of patience and understanding. Things I Wish I’d Known Before We Got Married attempts to shake loose the blinders that so many people wear when they are in the first stage of love, long enough for them to truly understand their intended partner and honestly discuss topics that might cause future conflict. Chapman’s hope is that, in doing so, more people will enter marriage with realistic expectations and be less likely to bolt at the first sign of trouble.

This book outlines the importance of observing and discussing perceived marital roles and expectations with your prospective partner, as well as their level of spirituality, approach to finances, family relationships, etc. It also gives a brief, but helpful, overview of several of his other books (most notable, The Five Love Languages and The Five Languages of Apology).

My complaints about this book are paltry and have little to do with the subject matter. Chapman’s overuse of the phrases “I wish I’d known” or “I wish someone had told me” bordered on condescension. It was at the beginning and end of every chapter and sometimes in the middle as well. While I recognize this technique is an obvious attempt to maintain a connection between the subject matter and the title of the book, it was unnecessary. Repetition is fine and dandy if you are suffering from short-term memory loss, but I am not. There were also times that Chapman would give an example of what someone might say when they apologize, and I felt his examples were far fetched and long-winded. Perhaps this says more about me than anything, but if anyone apologized that thoroughly to me, I would raise a significantly skeptical eyebrow.

Most of this book is common sense – the kind of common sense that seems to be lacking in this day and age – and the kind of common sense that deserts us when we are in the throws of passionate love. Many of the issues Chapman raises would have been extremely beneficial for my spouse and I to discuss before we were married.   That having been said, the book is rather short and really  more of an "intro to" book than an in depth discussion.

If you’re single and looking, this might be a good book to look over so that you can be better informed when you do meet that special someone. If you’re engaged and waiting, Chapman gives several questions for couples discussion and evaluation that would be helpful if you are reading the book together as a couple. While this book could be moderately helpful after marriage, I can think of several others that would be more in depth and effective*.

Sidenote: On a personal note, I feel that that finding your perfect “match”, or someone who is like you in every way is not necessarily the best thing or a guarantee of marital bliss. From conflict can come growth. It is up to the couple, their attitude, level of commitment, and their communication skills as to whether they grow together or grow apart.

My Rating: 3.75 Stars.  For the sensitive reader: This book also has a slightly religious bent --nothing too heavy handed-- but I appreciated the more spiritual take on the institution of marriage.

Sum it up: A Cliff’s notes version of pre-marital counseling that touches on many useful topics without digging too deep.

*See our next post!

Dear Lilly - Peter Greyson

Summary: Life rules for adolescent girls.

A father offers his advice, opinions, and the many useful stories gleaned from his past experiences in order to help his beloved daughter not only survive, but thrive in the dangerous and unpredictable world of young adulthood.

From the pen of a former abused child, drug addict, womanizing frat boy, and suicidal depressive, comes forth the emotionally stirring account of a young man's battle with crippling inner demons and his eventual road to enlightenment. Peter Greyson calls upon his wisdom as both father and school teacher to gently lead teenage girls through a maze of truth, deception, and adolescent uncertainty. Greyson's literary style sparkles with a youthful enthusiasm that will capture your heart and provide boundless inspiration.

Dear Lilly is a survival guide that offers the brutally honest male perspective to young woment struggling for answers to life's deepest questions. Topics include:

• Boys lie
• What every guy wants from his girlfriend
• Tales from the drug world
• Everybody hurts
• High school exposed

(image from dearlilly.net and summary from back of the book)

My Review: This book was given to me for review. (Free books rock!) Brutally honest, as it states in the summary, is accurate. The first couple chapters left me feeling hollow inside, it was that sad and full of heartbreak. It seemed almost too much to believe that someone had lived through so many horrible experiences and come out practically no worse for wear. He really has lived through, what I hope to believe, more than the average adult life.

There are aspects that while reading I had arguments with the author inside my head. Some of those included the recommendations about dairy intake--especially for women who need lots of calcium and dairy consumption is the best source--and that it is so rare for a male to be able to control himself during his teen years sexually. Maybe he is right on the last one. I'm obviously not male and cannot make a statement either way. But it seemed not only to demean the male gender, but also to almost make an excuse for such base behavior. Be that as it may, I do believe that many of his statements stand for many males, especially during their teen years.

Aspects to the book that I liked: he really is brutally honest and fairly objective in his expectations for his own daughter. (I know. I practically contradict myself here, but in some ways this is great and in others it's too much.) I liked that he shared just how much it terrified him to know his daughter could date someone like he was as a teenager. (What could be more honest than that?) I liked that he supported healthy lifestyles and healthy eating--although, again, it seems he might be more extreme than I would push things. I liked how he ended the book on a good note. Those last chapters definitely make up for the downer first chapters. I almost didn't make it through the book because the first chapters were so depressing. He really did try to share all parts of his personality and threw in pieces of information on his wife as well.

One last note: he swears a lot, uses a lot of slang, and mentions all topics--NOTHING is off limits in his guidebook for a girl's life. I wouldn't hand this to my teenage child unless they are already familiar with a sailors vocabulary. As a teacher I realize this isn't something shocking for most families. As a parent with different standards, I feel it is important to share this tid bit.

Rating: 3 stars

Sum it up: A thorough look at all the mistakes one can make in life and counsel to avoid them.

You Can't AFFORD to Break Up - Stacey Nelkin & Paul Schienberg, Ph.D.

This review was co-written by my wife, Becca Nighting, a secretary and freelance advisor. Nobody should have to suffer through this book alone.

Summary: The tough economic times can affect even the most stable relationships. Breaking up isn't the only answer; it can be rough both emotionally and financially. But by taking stock of your relationship with your partner and a little work, you can stay together and be happy. In this self-help book, actress Stacey Nelkin and therapist Paul Schienberg collaborate to offer ideas to help you jump-start your love life.

Filled with relevant real-life illustrations and stories, You Can't AFFORD to Break Up offers insightful and thought-provoking tips for saving relationships. ... Geared toward couples in all stages of a relationship, You Can't AFFORD to Break Up encourages you to be proactive and use your imagination to be sexy and have fun. You can't afford to break up; save your relationship and save money. All you need is an empty wallet and a dirty mind. (Summary from book - image from www.iuniverse.com. We received this book for review.)

Our Review: Now that the sweet romantic glow of Valentine's is past, you may be facing the harsh realities of a relationship plagued by financial trouble. Perhaps you might find You Can't AFFORD to Break Up in a bookstore, and wonder, "Could this book help me salvage my relationship?" To help you answer this question, we have put together a brief questionnaire in the spirit of the book itself. Pencils ready?

1. Do you believe that Cosmo-style questionnaires can reveal deep insights into "Almost Everything That Matters"?


2. Do you believe that a night of great sex can solve any and all relationship problems, from crushes on the barista to unemployment-related depression?


3. Do you believe that actresses know how to save your marriage because "no one knows about love and sex better than the folks in Hollywood"?


4. Does drinking beer "take you back to the good ol' lustful days of high school"?


5. Does your short attention span keep you from noticing inconsistencies, contradictions, and poor logic?


6. Does your idea of an empty wallet involve cash for sex toys, hotel rooms, dance classes, "soft, sensuous, sexy sheets," and new outfits every few months?


7. Do you find that mocking your partner's sexual abilities tends to get them in the mood for love?

We won't patronize you by offering to interpret your answers--you've probably got the picture. This book impressed us with its ability to turn deep, complex issues into folksy soundbites. Our favorite parts were the case studies, which seemed like they were taken from rejected soap opera scripts. They would probably be more useful than the fluffily incoherent advice in helping a stressed relationship, because they at least are good for a laugh.

Our Rating: 1 star. Caution: This book is likely to be offensive to anyone who dislikes the word "fondle," who doesn't think of themselves as having a dirty mind, or whose relationship has more depth than a TV sitcom marriage.

Sum it up: Cliched, haphazard pop-psychology relationship advice desperately trying to gain relevance by capitalizing on the current recession.